Marriage isn't for the faint of heart, but neither is divorce...
Have you ever seen those social media posts that people copy and paste? There's one that says, "Marriage isn't for the faint of heart...". Let's unpack what they are really saying there: Marriage is hard. And, maybe indirectly: divorced people couldn't handle it. That if divorced individuals were stronger, more loving, more selfless, or just better, then they might have saved their marriage. If they could just suck it up, put a lid on it, and be grateful, then everything would be okay. Are married people stronger or better simply because they are still married?
It's a little short-sighted and insensitive. I'm glad they are happy in their marriages, if they are. I truly congratulate a thriving, healthy marriage. Marriage can be a beautiful thing. But just because you're married doesn't mean you're succeeding at marriage. There are a lot of silent sufferers out there. There are a lot of unhappy spouses. How many couples are just proud that they survived another year? Am I supposed to say congrats, when they've been miserable without making a change for the better? When they've ignored problems, dismissed their partner, and lived parallel lives?
Newsflash: there is no grand prize for suffering or pretending the longest. It's not a tolerance contest.
The happily married have no idea what happens inside a suffering marriage that leads a couple to divorce. There are a billion different scenarios, few of which are "meh-changed my mind". Personally, I tried many things over the course of nearly two decades of marriage, before I landed on the last resort of divorce. Years of individual therapy, separate rounds of marriage counseling, an anger management class, spiritual retreats, metaphysical consultations, legal consultations, confiding in friends and family, all with the message of HELP ME.
I thought it was normal at first. The disillusionment. Just a phase. And then, as it continued, I lost hope and tried to focus on other things-the kids, dance class, reading, neighborhood friends, weekend adventures. And then I became depressed that wow, I really missed the boat on this one! And then I got angry that I was expected to make a permanent life decision at the age of 23. That's not fair, is it? Angry that I wasn't allowed a second chance. Angry that I felt like I followed all the rules only to feel trapped. Angry that I was so alone in my marriage and people told me to just be grateful.
Eventually my journals lead me elsewhere. My journals became my best friends. My journals understood. Through a dialogue with my various parts of self, it eventually became apparent that I didn't have to keep living in an environment of deceased love. The decay was too toxic. The marriage had rotted slowly over time, and our kids had to breathe that shit in and out every day, like it was normal. We're still trying to get it out of our systems. Slowly, slowly, I convinced myself I could do it despite all the invalidating messages and fears. My self-compassionate voice became louder and more confident.
I never believed in divorce until I had to. It took me over a decade to convince myself that divorce was an option. I used to think I'd only choose divorce for obvious, drastic reasons. What I didn't realize was that the negative, paper-cut subtleties add up over time. The bitterness takes over and eventually erodes the trust, respect and connection within the marriage. And when you look back years later, you have words to label and validate that experience to see that it was much worse than you even realized at the time. Because it almost starts to feel normal when you're living inside of it. But years later post divorce, you learn in therapy or life that you were dealing with x, y, and z.
I don't have to prove my decision to anyone. But, I was finally brave enough to say: I know I can be more than this, but not here with you. I know my kids need to have a different example of relationship. I was brave enough to make the harder decision, because I knew it would be the healthiest possibility for the long run. For all of us. Kids want happy parents. Kids want healthy parents.
I want them to follow their hearts and create the life they each deserve. I want them to know that they always have choices and can trust their intuition. I want them to know that life is always evolving and that they get to be conscious participants. Life is not about locking yourself into cruise control.
Marriage is promoted in this country without any training. Two good people don't necessarily make two good married people. We underestimate the importance of relationship skills, self-awareness, communication skills, emotional intelligence, empathy and respect towards your partner. Not all of us are lucky or wise enough to find partners with these skills. Not all of us are equipped with these things going into a marriage, and you don't always recognize the lack thereof until you're in it, experiencing it day in and day out, year after year. The marriage experience is not the same for everyone. Sometimes, relationships expire. And sometimes, relationships become unhealthy. This was true for me, whether I voiced it or not. Whether I acted on it or not. You can't force something to work when it just won't. And there is no need for shaming.
So, congrats to those for making the hard decision to unlock access to a healthier, more authentic life. Often, the right decision is not the easiest decision. It is possible to follow your heart responsibly. Even my ex has the opportunity to breathe now. It takes a strong, healthy and courageous heart to be able to recognize an expired marriage, to trust yourself, and to make a change. It's not easy. But it is ultimately about aligning with your worth and ultimate health. It forces a focus on long-term potential rather than the ease of short-term experience. I congratulate those who know this process because it takes a strong, courageous heart.❤💓💗᪺
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