We think something has to be obvious before we can feel justified in making a serious complaint. Sometimes the lines get fuzzy. Relationships can slip into abusive patterns, and it's important to wake up to what's happening.
Let's break it down. Does your partner have more power or control in the relationship because he/she makes more money? Does your partner "take care of" all financial matters in your relationship? Are you criticized for the way you spend money? Is every purchase questioned? Are all bank accounts transparent or shared with you? Do you have access to them? Are you given an allowance? Do you have equal spending rights? Are you made to feel guilty for needing money? Are you expected to be extremely frugal when you don't know for sure that you need to be? Are you treated less than because you don't earn as much or stay home with the children? Has your partner or anyone else accused you of making poor life choices because your career field pays less? Or because you chose to stay home with the kids? Or because you are out of work?
According to Anderson and Boback Family Law in Chicago, "Some people do not realize that they are victims because they have always let their spouses handle the money. Your spouse controls everything, from how much you are allowed to spend on groceries, to how much money is spent on the house. Your spouse convinces you that 'he is only trying to help,” or “she was saving for our future.' A financially abusive spouse is one that controls you with your money. It is a person who hides assets or financial accounts, all with the primary goal of keeping what rightfully belongs to you." https://illinoislawforyou.com/divorce/divorcing-a-financially-abusive-spouse-in-illinois/#gref.
Financial abuse can range from intense to subtle. Things don't have to be obvious in order to qualify as abuse.
It can be easy to fall into certain roles when you are in a relationship, marriage or not. For some, it can be a relief to not have to deal with the finances. Sometimes couples divide roles and it works. Are your rights equal? Is your access available? Is your communication open?
Your worth is not related to how much money you make. Chances are, you are responsible and making good life decisions that align with your talents and fit with your values. If you are out of work, it does not mean you are lazy. You may have lost your job during the pandemic. You may need help finding a job after a decade of stay at home parenting.
You may choose to continue running the household despite not getting a salary. That does't replace your right to financial equality and access. Perhaps you sacrificed your career so your partner could advance in his/hers. Perhaps you saved money on childcare by staying home yourself.
Or maybe you want to work, but your partner doesn't agree/allow you to. You have certain rights in a marriage. You have certain rights in any relationship. You have certain rights in a divorce. Even after divorce, you have certain financial rights. You don't have to qualify financially for divorce. Know your rights and options.
Financial abuse is a form of control that affects your ability to use, acquire, or maintain financial resources. It's a form of abuse that is not talked about, and often unknown to others. This type of abuse can still lead to extreme suffering and hardship, especially if someone feels trapped in a marriage because they have no money to leave. It's invisible for the most part, like emotional abuse, and sometimes is combined with emotional abuse. Over time, victims start to believe they are less worthy and have lower self esteem. Therefore, the victim has a difficult time coming forward, unsure if they will be believed or supported by others.
There's a lot more information out there on financial abuse, but I wanted to get your gears turning on this. It never hurts to reexamine current systems, patterns or feelings. Maybe your partner doesn't know how you feel, and is happy to share the responsibility and access. Communication is important, so be sure to check in and get involved.
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