We forget our most basic job: to care for ourselves. We hand that responsibility over to our partners and it doesn't always work out. We are trained to feel guilty for wanting to live out our full potential. We are conditioned to feel selfish for wanting to be cared for properly. We are taught to put ourselves last, even if it means tolerating disrespect. Even if it means we are emotionally starved and financially controlled. Even if it means losing ourselves along with our dreams.
It baffles me how unhealthy it is to stay in something that is empty or worse, under the guise of being the right thing to do. How can staying small and miserable be right for anyone?
I've found that the 5 main reasons people stay stuck in dead marriages are:
1. For the kids. The assumption that the kids are better off with both parents in the same home. We hear this all the time. We take this as fact without thinking much further. The guilt of doing something that would be bad for the kids is locking, so we don't even explore if that would actually be the case. Kids need a healthy environment to live in, and healthy relationship models. Newsflash: a dead or limiting marriage does not provide these things.
2. Can't break a vow. You made a promise...to your spouse, to your families and friends, and to God/Higher Power. You have a legal contract as well. How can you break your own promise? That's a hard one to overcome. We feel locked in. We've sealed our fate. We feel it might change an aspect of our identity that we are not sure we are ready to release. We cannot bear to break these promises or contracts, even if it costs us our mental health, dreams and full potential. Changing our minds is not "allowed".
3. It's too hard. The obstacles and alternative contrast feel overwhelming. Maybe you're not experienced with finances or worry you can't afford it. Maybe you've never lived alone. Maybe you have been raising kids for over a decade and the process of reentering your field feels overwhelming. Maybe you're unfamiliar with the law and about your rights, and the unknown can be scary. Maybe the thought of telling the kids, parents, friends and neighbors feels too daunting. These things are indeed very difficult. You may feel incapable. And so we stay stuck because it's easier, in a way. More familiar. We are scared to imagine going through all the difficult steps in order to get to the other side.
4. Fear of judgment. We worry about what people will say or think. The gossip could ruin our reputations and so we stay stuck to uphold the image that everything is fine. Will we lose friendships? Will the family be disappointed in us? We want to keep the image up, so we stay stuck in an unfulfilling marriage to maintain the perspectives of those around us. We hand our power over and live for their approval. It's hard to admit that we care that much what others think, but we do. We know it could impact relationships, our reputations, and place in society.
5. You fear your reasons aren't valid. We assume divorce is only for extreme cases. We disregard our own feelings about the daily negative occurrences, because these things don't feel big enough to justify such a radical decision. Yet, trust can wither away like an erosion over time. And if not repaired a long the way, the damage is real. Author Matthew Fray (This is How Your Marriage Ends, 2022) describes it as "a million paper cuts that eventually bleed out". The damage is hard to recognize because it happens so gradually over time. As a result, we get into the habit of dismissing ourselves, our needs, and our truth. We abandon our hearts and allow the possibility of a more fulfilling life to slip down the drain.
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These reasons above are definitely binding. But I invite you to ask yourself: At what cost do you stay? Are you the only one that loses out on something? Do you allow others or systems to dictate your life? Are you living the life they want you to live, or the life you want to live? Are you allowed to change and evolve? Is your partner? Isn't change constant?
If I'm missing a reason from my list, please comment below! I'd love to learn from you. It's true that we can get set in our beliefs. You might not even realize that you are operating on outdated beliefs or beliefs that aren't necessarily your own. Beliefs can evolve as you evolve. It's a natural process as your experience evolves. That's how you learn and grow.
Assuming you've tried everything you can think of: marriage counseling, individual counseling, date nights and honest conversations to improve your relationship, this blog is really more for those who are at a dead-end in their marriage and are choosing to stay there. Invite yourself to a deeper conversation with your heart.
If you long for something different yet you don't know how to get there, begin with a single step. Talk to someone you trust. Seek professional support.
www.amygoldbeck.com
Book Reference:
Matthew Fray. This is How Your Marriage Ends. 2022.
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