Cycles and Stuff

  Cycles and Stuff

They say it takes a person at least 7 times before they will break out of a cycle. You know when you know something isn't okay, but you let it slide for the other perks?  Or you convince yourself that you will work it out with your partner, repair the offense, and identify a plan for next time?  And then when it happens again, you understand that it was hard to remember, because the pattern is deep.  And the new pattern is..well.. new.  You want to give them the benefit of the doubt.  But then it happens again and again...repeatedly.  The behavioral pattern could be anything: Cancelling Plans, Disrespect, Inconsiderate Choices, Avoidance, Micromanaging Behavior, Lying, Manipulation, Coercive Control or Worse.

And you finally say, "Enough already.  I deserve better.  This is not okay."  And you end or try to end the relationship.  At first your partner gives you space.  The pain of missing each other builds up.  Then, your partner checks in and all seems innocent and genuine.  At first the communication is apologetic, expressing how much you've been missed.  And then as you express your hurt and anger, things shift a little.  Your partner now becomes angry and points out how unforgiving and unkind it was to end the relationship and give up.  And they might make a convincing argument pointing to all the good times and efforts to repair and grow.  You realize that you could change your mind.  Forgiveness is a thing.  You may not have told anyone about wanting to end the relationship.  An argument might be made for the investment of time you've put into the relationship...  You might still have feelings for this person, or you might have lost those a long time ago.  Sometimes it is fear that can keep us stuck.

Second and Third Chances

So, you fall back into it.  Rebuild, and see all the good things.  You envision a stronger future.  Until a few months later, it happens again.  Cancelled.  Rejected.  Disrespected. Not Prioritized.  Excuses.  Avoidance.  Whatever the pattern is...  Damn, you are hurt.  You might feel critical of yourself for falling into the trap.  Repeating your mistakes.  You might feel fooled, tricked, played.  Betrayed.  And the pain inside hurts.  Stings.  You might feel flooded.  Foggy.  Dizzy.  Hot.  Your nervous system is thrown off.  Relationships are supposed to support your nervous system, not jack it up.  (Jillian Turecki-Instagram)  

Guilt and Pity Invoking

You remember how you always get sucked back into the relationship, and you don't want to respond in the same way.  So you wonder, how can I do this differently?  More effectively.  So you try to use your best communication skills.  And you're met with WOW...followed by accusations and insinuations of how heartless, cold and selfish you are to communicate your boundaries.  And then stories of their hardship follow-- or better yet, their children's hardship is relayed to really pull at your guilt strings.  Some will mention sudden medical or mental health issues to stay connected through pity.  This is desperation talking.  Even if what they say is true, as our body and mind manifest our stress, it is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship to keep them healthy.  It is their job to take care of themselves.  Your job is to take care of your heart.

Gas-lighting

You focus on your feelings using I-statements.  I don't feel prioritized.  I feel rejected.  I don't believe you when you act so remorseful, yet you continue to make decisions that do not respect me.  Get ready for the gas-lighting response.  "I'm sorry you feel so poorly about yourself that you don't believe that I love you.  (chuckles)  Do you know how much I love you?  You are my HEART!  I tell you this all the time (and they might actually) and you don't believe me?"  This is gas-lighting.  They are getting you to doubt yourself by convincing you that you are not logical or mentally healthy.  Their decisions do not match their words.  And the natural consequence is damage to the relationship and partner.  

Gas-lighting can also sound like "I can't believe how cold and uncooperative you are" when you merely set a boundary for personal safety and personal respect.   We don't have to make decisions that other people want us to make in order to qualify as a cooperative person.  By choosing the option that best supports your needs, you are perfectly cooperative and responsible in your decision-making.

Minimizing

Another form it could take is minimizing the specific, recent incident that was your last straw.  "You're walking away because of THIS?!"  They will try to get you to believe that you are over-reacting.  Or that you are crazy for your decision. Oftentimes, it's not one major incident that ends a relationship.   It's the repeated negative interactions that never get repaired, and over time erode any trust and respect between partners.  It's like a million paper cuts that eventually bleed out (Matthew Fray, 2022).  You don't need to prove it to anyone.  It doesn't have to be an obvious, extreme reason. Sometimes, you just know when it's the final paper cut.  Trust yourself.  You got this.  Tap into your personal power.  Let your intuition guide you.  Your gut knows what's best.  Trust it.  You are worthy of demonstrated love and respect.  Your heart deserves the utmost care.

Disengage

I watched a clinical webinar on combating harassment from former partners in which the relationship was unhealthy.  The 3 rules to follow were:  1.  Disengage 2.  Disengage and 3. Disengage.  In other words, the best thing you can do is to disengage from any form of interaction or communication whenever possible.  If you have to, such as in co-parenting situations, you can limit your communication to one app and respond to it on your time, rather than on demand.  You can limit your communication to only when it is necessary.  

Accountability and Protective Measures

So, you come to the part of the cycle again when you are ready to pick your heart up off the ground, hold it tenderly, and carry it to a place of healing.  How do you go about it this time?  Disengage.  Keep yourself accountable.  Get some friends to check in on you.  Ask them if you can text them whenever you're struggling.  Tell as many people as you feel comfortable, so you feel obligated to keep your word.  You may need to block your ex and take down any pictures or memorable items in your home.  Blocking a person on every possible platform can protect you from slippery re-engagement, which will pull you back into the cycle.  Blocking is something you can control and it is your right.  You are not mean for doing this.  You are so brave and powerful.  You are so worthy and lovable.  You are so wise and healthy.  Seek out professional support with a counselor or therapist for your mental health through this transition.

It's our most important job.

It's our job to protect and care for our own hearts.  It's not just okay or allowable.  It is NECESSARY for our highest good and for those around us.  We have control over certain things.  It's important to utilize these options and decisions if the safety of our heart is at stake.  

Trust Yourself.  

You've been so patient and forgiving.  You've been reasonable and fair.  Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to let go.  Sometimes relationships expire.  You are allowed to reflect on all that you learned and all of the memories you shared.  This decision doesn't have to mean that you consider your ex/partner to be a monster.  You likely learned some necessary lessons through this relationship.  The severity of the pattern/offense can range, and sometimes it is just learned behavior.  That's the problem:  We don't go to Relationship School.  We learn as we go.  

While that explains it, it doesn't excuse it.  Just remember:  You are worthy of respect at all times.  Your emotional safety matters.  Setting boundaries is not selfish.  Give yourself the gift of self love and self care.  I wish you healing, strength, and support as you enter a new season and chapter of your life.💓  

PRIORITIZE THE CARE OF YOUR OWN HEART.

Amy Goldbeck is a Clinical Psychotherapist helping adults navigate the seasons of their lives, including relationships, emotions, spirituality, life-transitions and overall personal growth.